Seeing Through the Veil
by tainteddr34ms
Summary: When a witch's spell sends Buffy and Willow hurling across the planes of reality, will Buffy be able to save them both? Or will Buffy need saving from herself? Buffy/Willow. Femslash. KOTOR era.
1. Chapter 1

Seeing Through the Veil

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and News Corp. own all things BtVS. George Lucas and News Corp. own all things Star Wars.

Author: Tainted

Beta: Leigh. Her's are the small things that bring the narrative to life.

Crossover: BtVS & Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

Pairing: Buffy/Willow

Note. Complete AU for Buffy. AU for Star Wars, but will feature more Star Wars canon.

Tearing the Veil

Chapter One

The blue and orange pyrotechnics of Katherine Madison's spell wash over me as I scream. Agony, like I'm being ripped open from my insides on out... Her magic consumes me. You screwed up, Buffy, shoulda moved behind the ceiling mounted swivel mirror instead of rushing her. Too eager for the kill. The only sound is the accelerated thumping of my heart.

As I fall to my knees, I see a horror-stricken Willow rush through the door, quickly followed by an equally upset Xander. I struggle to stand, can't let the witch get Willow. The effort takes everything I have as I manage to get one foot under me. No luck on the second. I'm spent. Nothing left in the gas tank. I topple over onto my side with a thud. Shit!

The last thing I see before the blackness overwhelms me is Amy striking the back of her mom's head with the red fire axe. Blood gushes, splashing me as I fall to the floor. Feeling a hand take mine, then nothing. Nothingness.

Am I dead? Someone's with me. I try to open my eyes to see who's there, but I can't no matter how much effort I put into forcing them to comply with my wishes. The presence feels safe, warm. Kind and loving. Relaxing into its embrace, I stop struggling.

My heart stops or at least I can't hear it anymore. Crushing pain slams into my chest as my breath goes. A blinding white light beckons with a siren's call of bliss. Clear, even through my eyelids. Peace. Warmth. Finished.

And suddenly I know who's with me. Willow. Where I'm beckoned, she can't follow. Not her time or her place.

_But I've already passed through the veil. I can't go back_, I hear in my mind.

_Then I'm staying with you_, I think. A second white light engulfs us, rips us the rest of the way from our existence.

BtVS

A hole rips open in the fabric of space-time with a pulsing glow and we pass through, about 5 feet above the floor, so we fall. I land first, on my back and with a jarring thud, only to have Willow land on top of me, face to face. I want to stare into her eyes for some reason, but it takes everything I have just to try to get my lungs to expand. Breathe, Buffy, breathe.

I feel two fingers trail down my left cheek as the singing of countless drops of water splashing into shallow pools fills my ears. My senses are coming back to me. Willow's face finally comes into focus as I catch my breath.

"Are you ok, Buffy?" Willow asks softly.

I give her a quick nod, smiling. "Yeah, I think so." Why do I feel like I want to kiss her? I'm not...am I? Finally, I look into her eyes. I'm lost, hopelessly smitten. Why now? And yeah, I think I am. Wow. "Can I get up now?" I ask, taking the chicken's way out.

"Uh, oh yeah," she says, rolling off me to the side.

As I sit up, I notice at least a dozen men and women, all wearing thick brown robes, surrounding us. A couple of them are demons, judging by the pair of shoulder length tentacles growing from the tops of their heads. One of them is sea-foam and the other cerulean. All the monks hold metal tubes in their hands, pointed in our general direction. Weapons of some sort by their stances. None of them tingle my spidey sense.

"Uh, Willow, I think we got monks," I say. We sure aren't in Kansas anymore, Toto. Countless water fountains surround us.

"Ya think, Buffy?"

Ok, I stated the rather obvious. I'm still at a loss for words. Not up for my usual banter. Being blasted through a portal by an evil, insane witch tends to do that to a girl.

An old man, maybe fifty? Sixty? Ancient enough to be wrinkly, anyway. He steps forward and speaks. Nothing but gibberish comes out of his mouth. I answer him anyway, sure that my words confuse him as much as his me. "Sorry, what was that?"

He frowns and speaks again. Four of the monks move in on Willow and me, coming at us from four corners, like a shrinking box. Hopping to my feet, I reach a hand down to Willow, lifting her until she's standing, the two of us waiting, me hoping I'm fast enough to protect her.

I'm turning my head rapidly, back and forth, trying to keep tabs on the positioning of all four monks trying to box us in.

"Buffy?" Willow questions as I take a fighting stance, ready to pounce at their next move. My skin buzzes with the contact, even through my shirt, as she puts a hand on the back of my shoulder. "We don't know enough…What if they're the good guys, Buffy?"

She rubs soothing circles into my back, her fingers pressing down gently, the arc of the pattern she follows expanding slowly. As I relax, the box closes and the four men grab us, each taking an arm by the shoulder.

I've only known her for about a week, but I know her well enough already that I'd be a lot more comfortable if she'd babble. She doesn't realize it, but she is so cute when she does. I guess she's too frightened. She stands there with two men holding her, each by an arm, rigid, looking more than a little dazed.

Suddenly an idea pops into my head. I have no idea how I know how to do this, but I reach into the old man's mind and take his language. It's not a gentle thing, what I do to him, but it won't hurt him, not really. Strain twists his face as I learn, loathing filling his eyes. He's frozen, desperate to stop me but unable. The tubes they're all holding ignite into what I guess are laser swords of many different colors.

"Wait," I say before they can spring on us. As they hesitate, I add, "I was just learning your language. I meant no harm."

The old man nods as he says, "Sabers down."

The pretty laser swords disappear. Some of the monks go so far as to clip their tubes to their belts. None of them relax though.

"Come with us," he says, turning away and heading for a far archway, expecting us to follow. The four men guarding us ensure we do.

BtVS

The old man is really pissed, I can tell that from his body language as he leads us into a large, circular, domed chamber. Windows covering most of the rounded walls look out over an immense city built so high up I can't see the ground. Cars fly by the window in what appears to be a predetermined traffic lane. The city goes on forever. There's no end to it from my viewpoint.

Me and Willow take the position indicated by grumpy in the center of the chamber. About thirty chairs surround us in a half circle, maybe half of them occupied, as we stand there under their scrutiny. Willow shifts nervously back and forth on her feet. I give a relaxed appearance, though I'm anything but. Most wear the same drab brown robes as grumpy, but a few sport bright colors. One woman is dressed all in long, white flowing robes that match the color of her hair.

"Buffy?" Willow finally says something. I guess the shock has kept her mute. I wish she'd said more than my name.

"Yeah, Willow?" I hope I hide my fear. She doesn't need to know just how scared I am. Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Yeah, right. More like Buffy the scared little girl who wants to hide under a desk.

"What did you do to the old man? He seems really mad." She looks so confused.

I can't lie to her. Even if it's only been a week, she means too much to me for me to lie to her. "I reached into his mind to learn his language. He thinks I'm tainted, something called a Sith."

"Oh," she says. I ignore their murmuring. She can't understand them and I don't really care to at the moment. I'm more concerned with her reaction. "How?" She asks.

"I dunno. It just came to me and I knew how."

"I didn't know you could read minds," she says with a hesitant, shaky voice.

"I can't," I say. "Just language. No thoughts." She looks relieved. I wish I knew what she's afraid of me knowing. "Willow? You don't have to be afraid of me. I'm not a monster..."

Her eyes open wide and her mouth forms an _o_ shape. "Buffy, I could never be afraid of you... I... I know I've only known you for a day over a week and maybe it's because you're my only friend who's a girl I ever had, but you're my best friend and I'm not afraid of you. I don't think you're a monster. Can you teach me?"

"I don't know how to teach you, but I can give you their language," I say.

Her face scrunches in contemplation. "Will it hurt?"

"I think so," I say, honestly. "But you'll..."

"...understand what's going on around me," she finishes. "Do it."

I give her a quick nod. Concentrating, I reach into her mind and make room for the knowledge. Taking in her strained face for a moment, I ease their language into the space I make as gently as I can. She sighs when I'm done. Her color's a little paler than usual and sweat beads her brow.

"...Master Vrook," a short, wrinkly green gnome says to grumpy as he gets out of his chair and moves our way. "The power you describe this one having..." He points at me. "...is by its nature a neutral power. Sith it makes her not."

Grumpy scowls, crossing his arms and answering, "They appeared out of thin air in the room of a thousand fountains. Master Vandar, they're up to no good, I tell you!"

"The readings on the disturbance I've seen, Master Vrook. A vergence in The Force it is. Meant to be here are they."

Grumpy grumbles under his breath and scowls at me. He's rather angry at what the gnome has to say. Apparently, the rest don't find us as scary as he does. "This one," he points at me. "She has a dark heart. Mark my words."

"Frightened and confused she is...as she should be," the gnome says. "Evilness in her I sense not. Many of lives this one has saved."

He points at Willow. "Much potential this one has. The Force flows through her. She must be taught control or a dark path will she tread."

"Hey!" she says as I say, "Wait a minute here!"

"So you already decided to train them before we even arrived?" Grumpy states more than asks.

The gnome points at me again. "Powerful Force sensitivity this one has shown. Leave her for the Sith, would you? Very powerful is she..." He squints up at me, holding my gaze with his will, peering into I don't know what. Fidgeting, I try to look away but I can't. The gnome doesn't look entirely comfortable with what he sees. "...very powerful. Trained they will be. The Force wills it..."

"Hey, don't we have a say in this?" I interrupt. Willow nods her head emphatically, backing me up. "Your robes are nice and all, but cults really aren't our thing."

"Yeah," she adds.

"Where would you go?" Vrook asks, surprising me. "I dare say you're not from this world. Judging by the way that you arrived, I doubt this is even your reality. So I ask, where would you go?" Oddly, he's no longer grumpy looking. Just old and tired. And he has a point. Damn!

BtVS

"You're names, what are they?" the green gnome, Vandar, asks.

We're in a small, windowless antechamber, seated around an oblong conference table with three of the so-called Masters, Vandar, Vrook and the woman in white, Atris. They're very annoying, mostly ignoring us as they gabble amongst themselves, deciding mine and Willow's fate without even considering us, what we want. Vandar's question is the first they've addressed us since we moved to this room.

"Buffy," I say.

"Willow," she answers.

Vrook stares at me, scowling, his gaze intent, probing. Grumpy's back. Finally, he asks, "Where did you learn the power you used on me?"

I stare back at him wide eyed, at a loss for words. I really have no idea, so I tell him, "Clueless."

"Hrmph!" he says, leaning back into his chair.

"Force affinity," Atris says. "It's not unheard of."

"Yes," Vandar says, drawing out the word.

"What does that mean?" Willow asks.

"Your friend has an instinctual knowledge of the Force," Atris answers.

"The what?" I ask.

"All life gives off energy," Atris says. "The Force is what gives us our power. It surrounds all things, penetrates all life. The Force binds the universe together. A few people, like you, have so much power they can use the Force instinctually. How the Force responds to you is based on the emotions driving you at the time. Love and compassion are the light side. With them, you can heal and protect. Anger, fear and aggression lead to the dark side. Once down that path, evil will consume you. That is why you must be trained, to resist the lure of the dark side."

"Oh," Willow says.

"Then how come Grumpy here isn't a baddie?" I ask, pointing at Vrook. He glares at me.

Vandar answers my question. "Personality matters not. Control of your emotions as you use the Force is key."

"Can't you send us back?" I ask.

"We know not how," Vandar replies.

Continued


	2. Chapter 2

**A Glimpse of the Eye**

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and News Corp. own all things BtVS. George Lucas and News Corp. own all things Star Wars.

Author: tainteddr34ms

Beta: Leigh. Her's are the small things that bring the narrative to life.

Crossover: BtVS & Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

Pairing: Buffy/Willow

Note. Complete AU for Buffy. AU for Star Wars, but will feature more Star Wars canon. Sorry for the extreme wait for this update. Computer issues, but they're now fixed. 

Chapter Two  
A Glimpse of the Eye

I throw myself across a comfortable twin bed and stare up at the ceiling, feeling trapped. They said we weren't prisoners, but the door's still locked. Looking over at Willow, I watch her going through her pocket like a girl possessed by…pocket lint? I don't know. Just looking at her makes my chest feel tight and fills my tummy with butterflies. After watching her pull a shoestring and several folded up scraps of paper from her pockets, I turn my attention back to the ceiling.

Clueless. The thing is, I believe these monks. They have an explanation for how I feel, how I learned their language. One that even makes sense. My mind spins around the events of the past few hours, unable to make much of my whirling thoughts. Foremost, I almost kissed Willow. I have no idea where that came from, but as I lay here thinking about that moment, fidgeting on the bed, I know I always have been…gay. A lesbian.

I'm surprised, I really am. Mostly 'cause I've never thought about liking girls before. I'm clueless as to what comes next. Realizing I know the ceiling holding my gaze better than I know myself, I try to ask myself what this means to me. I don't know what to think about it…about being gay. Overwhelming, to say the least. Am I ashamed? I don't' know, maybe? Is it wrong being gay? Do mom and dad think so? Are they right if they do? I don't know. I don't think so, but still, I don't know what to think about anything.

I know what I am though, and I'm not going to run from being gay like I run from most things. Even if Willow doesn't like me like that. Besides, I don't know anyone here. What do I care what they think about me? Absolutely nothing. Except Willow. Would she have been disgusted if I'd kissed her? Would she call me a freak and tell me to get away from her? I guess that's what I'm really afraid of. The thought of her not liking me the way I like her is scary enough, but what happens when I slip up and she finally understands just how I feel? I don't know what to do. I'm terrified.

I guess the magic monk stuff, the Jedi stuff, doesn't worry me near as much. Why should it? The Jedi Council's not much different than the Watcher's Council. Control Freaks with tight lips. They share nothing. Not a word more than necessary for whatever generality they choose to answer a question with. I don't like them and I definitely don't trust them. What's the big secret anyway?

Some of them think I'm evil. I can see it in their sideways glances. They don't trust me. Maybe I'm an unknown, and that's what they don't trust. I hope so. I don't like being feared. Well, that's not entirely true, but I only want evil to fear me. I'm good. I think. I mean, yeah, I've tried to run away from this Slayer gig more than once, but I've always come through in the end. My duty. I do it reluctantly, but I do it. Is that wrong? To want to have my own life? Sometimes, overwhelming guilt consumes me. I can't save everyone, but sometimes I don't even try. People died I could have saved if I'd done my duty. I hate it. I hate all of it. I never wanted any of this. It's so unfair. Does that make me wrong?

I need to get away from here, away from Willow so I can think clearly about everything. I breathe in her scent with every breath. Lilacs and vanilla and her body's own unique smells. If I listen hard enough, I can hear her heart beating nearly as rapidly as mine. If I'm not, I'm still lulled by the sounds her even, shallow breathing make. When I look at her, she's all I see. I'm blinded to the rest of the world around me. I want to touch her. I don't want to scare her though, or freak her out.

"I found it!" she squeals triumphantly.

Hopping off the bed, I cross the room to stand beside her. "Whatcha find, Will?" I ask. "Gum? I hope it's gum, 'cause you'd think if they were gonna keep us prisoner, they'd at least leave us some food and water." I fight the urge to start pacing. "But, no, not even any gum."

My breath catches as Willow turns her head to look at me. Holding up a dime she's pinching between her thumb and forefinger, she gives me a radiant, open mouth smile. My heart flutters. Making the mistake of looking into her green eyes, I get lost for a moment until she snaps me back to reality with the word, "Screwdriver!"

Huh? I musta missed something. "Huh?"

She never answers me, instead turning to the door's control panel and using the dime, she starts carefully loosening the screws holding it in place. I hope she knows what she's doing. As she concentrates on her task, she bites the tip of her tongue. I stare at the side of her face a moment, feeling an overwhelming desire to run the tips of my fingers along her cheek. I turn away from her quickly and start pacing. I wish I knew what's really going on.

Beads of sweat form on my brow, the room feeling ten times smaller than it did moments ago. I don't like that this is all setting me on edge. Maybe it's just being locked up, and Willow has nothing to do with my nervous energy. Yeah right. Who am I kidding. I'm locked in this room with Willow. There. That's what it's all about. I'm afraid being this close all the time, I'll slip up and she'll figure out how I feel.

Would it be so bad if she knows how I fell? But what if she rejects me? I'm not talking about I just wanna be friends rejection either, I can handle that. What if she wants nothing more to do with me? Could I face that? And if I have to? Am I strong enough to live a lie? AM I brave enough not to? I already promised myself I wouldn't run from who I am, so the answer is no, I can't live a lie. I need to tell her sooner than later.

"Yes!" she squeals, stopping me in my tracks as the door slides into the wall with a woosh. I turn to her, a huge grin spreading across my lips.

"You did it!" I squeal, surprised but delighted she managed to get that door open with a dime.

She turns to me and gives me a big toothy grin. Smiling back at her, my gaze lingers a bit too long on her lips. She catches me staring, tries to hide a brief wave of confusion washing over her green eyes that's gone so quick I'm not sure if I imagined it or not. Guilt may be driving me. I shouldn't be checking out her lips or any of her other body parts. At least not until I know how she feels about me and about me liking her that way. Which probably means never, 'cause honestly, I'd rather not know and I'd rather she never finds out. Yeah, cowardly, I know.

Looking down at my feet to stop myself from staring into her eyes, I move past her, out the doorway.

-BtVS-

We slink down the dark, empty corridor, looking for…I'm not sure what. Information mostly. Grumpy's right, we have nowhere else to go. We're not escaping. Willow's soft footsteps echo gently around us so I don't bother trying for silence. We're probably being watched anyway, or the tingle running down my spine is making me paranoid. Neither makes me as anxious as being near her. I've had crushes before, but my feelings are so much more complex and stronger for her. I'm pretty sure I'm in love. Also pretty sure I have the worst timing in the world.

Would I be freaking more about loving a girl like that if we were back home? Yeah, most likely. But now, being gay just seems so insignificant. Really, her reaction is the only thing causing' me to wig a little. I'm dwelling, circling around the same worries over and over again. A puff of exasperated air causes my bangs to temporarily defy gravity. This isn't doing me any good, just piling more and more crap on my shoulders. Shut up brain! Just 'cause everything's gonna blow up in my face doesn't mean I need to light the fuse. She has to notice how weird I'm acting. Actually, I'm pretty sure she already has. Will's not only smarter than me, she's also a hell of a lot more observant. I've only known her a week and that was obvious six days ago.

I finally manage to calm my mind down enough to concentrate on our…mission I guess. Mission, goal, whatever you wanna call it, it's all the same. A way to get me out of that room. To feel like I'm not just sitting there waiting to be rescued from wherever we are.

We round a quick corner and pass under an archway, stumbling into… a training room? I spot a woman in brown robes sitting cross-legged on a blue mat. I guess I'm not concentrating as well as I thought I was. Her long platinum hair is tied back in a loose ponytail. Intensely cold gray eyes stare at me, taking my measure, captivating me with promises of hidden knowledge.

Back home, what she just offered me with her look would've bored me silly, and would've got about as much of my attention as my history teacher. Here, I have a strong feeling I'll need every advantage I can get. A hurricane blows around me, gossamer tendrils riding the howling winds, shifting patterns of the future spreading out, beckoning. Am I the storm? Should I tell them about my demon's heart? Giles doesn't know, but I read the Slayer's Handbook when Merrick gave it to me back in L.A.. Even if they lost the shadow caster, that whole section was pretty obvious, what with the whole girl chained to the earth thing.

"Does it make a difference?" she asks, startling me. I should look away from her, stare down at my feet and close myself off from her as best I can. Backing down's not in me though. If Giles can't stare me into submission, she sure can't.

"Pardon me?" I ask as Willow moves behind me. Smart girl. I don't need to tell her where I need her so she stays safe. And alive. Can't forget alive. Number one rule, stay alive.

"Does it really matter who you are? Will the answer change anything?"

Having no answer to her question, I close my eyes and let out a quiet sigh. I have a feeling she want's me to fall to my knees, but there's no way I'll give her the satisfaction. As my waking vision overwhelms me, I suddenly feel like I'm falling from a great height. I only ever get the visions in dreams, but something about this woman triggered one while I'm awake. She's a big part of my immediate future, I see that much. Willow's pretty much left my thoughts for a change. Oh, I'm vaguely aware of her presence, but the swirling hurricane engulfing me separates us.

"I'm Arren Kae," the seated woman says, standing up and placing a hand on my shoulder. With her touch, the gossamer hurricane is gone, leaving a bone chilling dread in its wake. Looking into her gray eyes, my whole body trembles beyond my control. My breath comes in gasps.

"What did you do to her?" Willow demands, moving next to me and wrapping an arm tightly around me. She comforts me, tracing gentle, soothing patterns against the nape of my neck with her free hand.

"What did you see, child?" Arren asks, ignoring Will's question.

Willow's touch calms me slowly as my breathing evens out and my body stops shaking. Should I answer the woman? Do I even know the answer? Do I want to tell her?

Uncertainty eats at me, a thousand butterflies fighting for the privilege of flapping against my tummy. What if I make the wrong choice now? Is this the moment that unleashes the hurricane? Am I the calm in the eye or the rage fueling the maelstrom? I have no clear picture of what I saw; too much happening at once, too much information to make sense of any of it. I focus on a mask.

Staring hard into her eyes, grim determination reflecting back at me, I say, "A red and black mask hiding a face."

She nods and smiles. "There are many paths open to you, young one. I shall teach you the ways of the force and together we'll see that you pick the one right for you."

"I…I…I've always had to be asleep to have a vision," I say softly. I return her smile with a subdued grin of my own. The deep sense of dread is gone. I've no idea why I suddenly feel better, there's nothing reassuring or comforting about this woman.

Nodding, she says, "Your powers are growing rapidly. You need to learn to control them, to summon them at will." She pauses a moment before adding, "To not let them rule you."

"I'm afraid," I say out of nowhere. Just because I pushed my fear to the back of my mind and buried it deep enough to not consume me anymore doesn't mean my fear no longer exists. My vision was terrifying, full of blood and death. But really, when aren't they? It's the uncertainty of my role that's beating down on me.

Her expression turns harsh, her eyes narrowing, her lips going from a smile to a scowl. "Fearing your destiny will do nothing to change it."

Maybe I should have lied, 'cause for some strange reason, what Arren thinks of me matters a great deal. Shame fills me at the thought, my eyes lowering to the floor. Why do I feel this way? I've been living a lie over the last year. I mean, sure, the dishonesty bothers me sometimes, but I've gotten used to it since I became the Slayer. Maybe it's because if I had my way, Mom, at least, would've been in the know. I told her once. Dad too. Or tried to anyway. And what did that get me? A few weeks in the loony bin. Lying became a lot easier after that.

She takes my chin in her hand and lifts my head up so she can look at my face. Her touch leaves me bare, my walls crumbling. "Don't let the other masters scare you. Fear is natural. No one can go through life without feeling fear. The trick is to not let it control you." As she lets go of my chin, I nod.


	3. Chapter 3

**Shattered Hearts**

Thanks to Leigh for beta J

Property of Mr. Whedon and Mr. Lucas. I borrow for my own amusment.

Chapter 3

Shattered Hearts

Why won't they let me have a light saber? When I asked, I got some vague non-answer about needing to build my own. My arms cross over my chest and my pout grows a little. Like I'm not already the best person here with a blade. I uncross my arms and start drumming against the bench rhythmically with my fingers. Where is this guy? I've been itching for a good fight since I lost the last one and the one guy who's supposed to be good enough to take me on won't even bother to show up on time. Glancing down at the bench, I see four small indentations where my fingers have been tapping. I scowl at the tiny marks and stand up. I could sit here and keep on tappin' away, or I could try not to destroy the training room. I stand and start pacing back and forth in the tiny area. Five minutes. That's all the time I'm giving mister 'challenge' before I'm outta here.

They haven't even let me see this planet, Dantooine. We landed in the temple compound and all I've really been able to experience of the place are the deep blue skies streaked with thin wisps of white clouds and the clean, warm air. Such a disappointment. Being cooped up like this is starting to fray at my nerves. Restless.

Another disappointment? Space flight…definitely not what I expected. Nothing at all like what astronauts do on the shuttle. I was so looking forward to weightlessness when they first told us we'd be taking a space flight to the planet where we're to train. Nothing but disappointment there, I hadn't been able to find a single place on the ship without gravity.

I stop pacing and spin around as the door whisks open, cautiously facing the mountain of muscle lumbering through the door. He's gotta be close to eight feet tall. And bald, his bare skull covered in very silly looking block tattoos. I assume they cover the top as well as the sides of his skull, but I'm too short to see. I'm tempted to jump up and take a look, but I get this image of me as a little girl dressed in ruffles, doing my best to bounce up high enough to see…whatever. Ah, what the hell, it's not like I'm going to intimidate him in anyway till we trade blows. I jump high enough to see…disappointment. Just the triangly ends of the box kinda things.

The most ridiculous thing about him is the cape draping his shoulders and back. The brown training robes I wear are bad enough-ugly might be a better word—but this guy looks like a loser reject from a very bad vampire movie. Even his pasty complexion screams vamp.

"I'm Alec," he says, bowing a bit in my direction, failing to hide a smirk at my antics.

"Buffy," I say, returning a brief bow. Not quite the effect I wanted but it'll be so worth it to see the look on his face when he realizes he's got it all wrong about me.

"Shall we begin?" he asks, gesturing at the center of the room with a wave of his hand.

"The masters?" I ask. The whole purpose here is for me to show my skills, what I'm capable of. It's been a week and I'm already bored senseless. I'm eager to move on and intensify my training. And then there's Willow. They've been keeping us apart, forcing us to spend our time in very different pursuits. If I move up, I'll have a little more free time and maybe I can spend some of it with her.

"Next door, monitoring," he says with a shrug.

I answer by drawing my sword free and waving it toward the center of the room. Drawing his blade, he holds it at his side as he slowly circles me. I watch his feet, ignoring his blade for the moment. Timing is critical if I'm gonna pull this off. I need to hit him as he springs. A toe flinches and I move, leaping to plant my boot in his chest as his momentum leaves him exposed.

He gasps as he flies backwards and lands on his back. I'm on him before he can catch his breath and rise. As I ready to land my next blow, he raises an arm and pushes a hand toward me. I fly backwards, my back slamming into a wall. Sliding down to land on my butt with a hip jarring thud, I gasp for air as he leaps to his feet in one smooth motion and closes in on me. Is he trying to kill me? I'm not sure. That last trick of his came pretty close to putting me down for good.

I think I hit my head because my vision stays blurry and the ringing in my ears intensifies. I barely manage to block his sword stabbing at my tummy. No time to let my vision clear. He's way too serious for sparring. I feel a little dumb as I give up on my vision and fall back on the last week of my lessons. The little gnome insisted I'm more perceptive than I let on. I just need to focus. And I finally get it. Look inside and give my senses over to the force. Everything focuses as my senses guide me. I make a sudden sweep of Alec's legs. I can hear the tendons snap as my boot connects with his knee. He screams as he teeters on his remaining good leg. Before he can blink, I leap to my feet, sending a quick, hard jab to his jaw. Blood splatters everywhere as bone shatters. As his pain fueled howling fills the chamber, bile rises, burns my throat. What have I done? He's not…

I drop my sword as the door springs open and several bodies rush in. The masters? I still can't see. Probably, though. Closing my eyes, I scrunch them tight and will them to focus. I open them, kinda surprised it worked. I can see…disappointment on a few stern faces and prideful, knowing smirk on Arren's. The coppery stench of Alec's blood knots my tummy.

-BtVS-

"You broke his jaw?" Willow mutters frantically, pacing back and forth in the main chamber of our quarters. As she turns toward me again, she raises her hands to shoulder height and repeats the bit about me breaking Alec's jaw as she waves them for emphasis. It's at least the tenth time she's asked the _sort of_question. Finally, she stops pacing and stands in front of me.

Should I look up and face her? I don't really wanna. I shiver. I'm so cold my teeth chatter. I know I screwed up big time, but everything happened so fast and the slayer part of me took over and reacted to the threat when he pushed me with the force. I didn't know what else to do. I wanna keep my eyes glued right where I'm looking, her left hip. If I look there, I won't see the shame she must feel for me reflecting back as me.

I can't stop smelling his blood, even though none got on me.

She touches the bottom of my chin with the tip of her index finger and pushes up, forcing me to look up at her face. I focus on her nose. Never having hurt a person before, I'm clueless how to cope, but I know I don't want Willow thinking I'm a monster. My gaze wanders to her green eyes and I'm lost.

"I..I," I begin, unsure what to say.

"Buffy, it's ok…" She gives me a reassuring look.

"No it's not," I whisper, interrupting her. "I hurt him bad. There's no way it's ok"

"Did you mean to?" Do I imagine a hint of impatience in her voice?

"What? Oh no, I didn't…Everything was just happening so fast and when he slammed me into the wall instinct just kinda took over."

"He'll heal, Buffy. If you learn from your mistake then everything will be ok." The reassuring look again, like she really believes what she says.

I nod 'cause she's right. If I can learn to control my powers I won't hurt anyone like that again. But I have to apply myself and fight past my boredom. I know I can do it if she helps me. "I need your help," I say.

"Absolutely," she says, not even knowing what she's agreeing to. I want to tell her but I have no idea either. I just know I can't do it by myself. I need her, in more ways than I'm willing to admit to her. She gives me a toothy grin and says, "Come on, you need to get out of here and stop moping. Let's go for a walk outside the temple."

"Are we allowed out?" I ask. I try to smile back at her but end up forcing a grin.

"Pmft," she huffs in jest. "There's not a lock here that'll stop me."

"True." This time I do smile as I let her pull me to my feet.

-BtVS-

Whoever decided to computerize the locks here never saw Willow coming. She has a way with computers that's just amazing and the locks are a snap for her. Maybe five seconds and we're free of the temple, finding ourselves standing on the beginning of a wide, cement sidewalk in the midst of endlessly rolling, grassy plains. The burnt greens of the tall grass and the deep blue of the sky give the place a very idyllic feel.

The walkway hugs the temple enclave, running from corner to corner. We stand at one end of the walkway. Willow takes my hand and slowly leads me over to the knee high wall separating the walkway from the grass. She lets go of my hand and sits on the wall with her back to the plains, her shoulders and head turned so she can still take in the panorama spread out before us. I quickly follow her lead.

I want to take her hand in mine again but I think better of it. Not that I think she'd mind, 'cause I'm pretty sure she wouldn't. I'm just scared. The situation is just way too romantic in my mind. I hate the moments when I'm not with her, but I'm so fearful and nervous, totally uncomfortable when I'm around her. And awkward. Can't forget awkward. What am I afraid of? Ten seconds ago, I still thought my fear was all about us both being girls.

But I start to get it as I turn my gaze from the scenery to look at Willow. Her toothy grin with the tip of her tongue peeking out between her teeth captivates me. Her long, auburn hair, tied atop her head in a loose bun, shines such a pretty red in the sun's bright light. I wish I knew how to deal with my feelings for her. Not make them go away, they're way too wonderful in so many ways for me to not want to feel this way. I just wish I wasn't always so nervous. It's not like me. Not one bit. Seize the day because tomorrow you might be dead is more my style. Something I try to live up to most of the time. Why can't I now? Maybe because I'm in love for the first time ever? But there's more to my feelings than being in love with a girl. If I'm honest with myself, there's something about her that called to me the first moments I saw her at the school water fountain. She's really my best friend. I've never had that kind of connection to another person before. My so-called best friends of the past were fake, as superficial as I was. That she won't be my best friend anymore fuels my fear, keeps me a nervous wreck.

Turning to face me, she says, "Picnic!"

"Huh?" Actually, a picnic sounds like a wonderful idea to me. I need to tell her how I feel. She's my best friend, she's supposed to know everything. I owe it to her to tell her, even if…well, I don't really want to think about the if.

"I'm sure we can find someplace to get some food and a blanket. Come on," she says, leaping off the wall and grabbing my hand, pulling me from my perch and dragging me off with her. She's so much more confident since we got here. Thriving. In her element. While I flop around like a fish out of water. It's almost like our personalities switched places during our trip through the portal. She leads me away in a search for picnic supplies.

"Uhm, Willow?"

"Yeah?"

"What are…we don't have any money."

She turns to me and sends me another toothy grin. My heart flutters a moment.

"Atris gave me a credit chit," she says.

"Atris?" I question, hopefully keeping the jealousy I'm suddenly feeling out of my voice. I have no reason to be jealous. But I can't help myself. A very pretty woman giving my Willow gifts. My Willow? Now I'm being super possessive. Enough to creep myself out. Willow's her own person and I highly doubt a Jedi Master is trying to get into her pants. "Not Master or Mistress?"

"See, I explained to her how Master is way too masculine and Mistress way too sexual. It's just icky," she explains.

She finds the idea of something sexual with another girl icky? Not surprising, but so disappointing. I force a smile, trying not to look as let down as I feel. My voice betrays me as I manage to stutter out, "Oh, yeah. I guess that makes sense."

Suddenly, her gaze is a lot more intense, a lot more probing. Letting go of her hand, I stop walking and hug myself while looking down at my feet.

"Buffy," she says.

I'm frozen, unable to move, to look at her even. Not that I really wanna, 'cause the way she said my name, she knows. I don't know what to do as I feel her invade my space. My instinct is turn and run as I feel her fingers touch the bottom of my chin, pushing gently upward. Once I finally build the nerve to look at her face, what I see is stunning. Her smile and gleaming eyes radiate warmth and love. I want to kiss her so badly. But I don't because the love she's offering isn't that kind. But it's enough. I give her a genuine smile back. My fears aren't gone, not by a long shot. But they're no longer paralyzing. She'll always be my best friend.

"Come on," Willow says. "Let's go get the stuff for our picnic."

-BtVS-

We sit under a cliff that's part of a grass-covered knoll, sprawled atop a plastic like picnic blanket. Red and white checkers. Maybe not plastic, but it's hard to tell in this place what anything is made of. I'm cross-legged, leaning back on my hands. Willow has her legs tucked in under her and off to the side as she supports her body with her right arm. I still marvel at how the sunlight reflects of off her hair, casting a fiery halo. I consider reaching out and running my fingers through her hair.

I'm more at ease than I've been since Amy's mom's bloodstone vengeance spell made me all loopy. Even with Willow sitting right next to me making me sorta nervous. I need to tell her how I feel, hopefully before we leave. Clueless if that'll make things easier or harder, but I'm pretty sure she already knows. She has to. I've been acting all love sick whenever I'm around her, always getting lost in her eyes. She lets me though, that has to mean something, right? She doesn't look away or act like I'm making her uncomfortable so I'm hoping my fear of losing my best friend is unfounded. Rejection never frightened me before, but liking another girl who happens to be the first real friend I've ever had adds a whole new level, leaves me completely unsure of myself. Awkward and hesitant.

Basking in the sun's warmth, my face turned up to the sky, I close my eyes and take deep, calming breaths. I'm not cold for the first time since I hurt Alec. Savoring the clean, grassy smell clinging to the air with each breath. Not that I need them now, just wanna make sure I stay calm. My heart flutters a little, not enough to make my chest tight though. More like thrilling than fear. Oh, I have plenty of fear. The thought she might reject me when I tell her how I feel tugs at the back of my mind, but I'm not usually afraid to take chances. I refuse to be now. Just won't focus on it. I know I'm not going to lose my best friend. These plains are too serene for fear to win the day.

Willow giggles as I let out a happyish sigh while rubbing my tummy. Kinda stuffed on some kinda bird and fruit that reminds me of blood oranges but isn't. I feel, not content, but close enough. In this moment, nothing's wrong with the world. I find my first moment of peace since we got here.

Taking advantage of the calmness, I focus on centering myself. The moments I can are so few and far between-upsetting to the masters, no doubt-that I cherish them, relish the brief time when every part of me is in balance, at peace with the rest. There's another me trying to get out, but I'm not sure if it's the little girl or the demon's heart. Considering how I was before I became the slayer, My guess is the demon's heart is dominant in my personality now. And I'm so much a better person for it. But in these moments, the heart and the girl are one and the same. This is when I can feel with certainty that I'm just me. Just Buffy. Never lasts though…

My eyes pop open as she enters my personal space, her lips grazing mine. Confusion freezes me a moment, my heart pounding. I don't return the kiss. But her lips are cinnamon flavored heaven and I miss their taste and their gentle caress the second she starts pulling away. Did I blow it? Does she think I didn't want the kiss? No way, I'll make her understand. Just gotta tell her. As her face pulls back far enough for me to focus on her features, I see a mischievous gleam in her eyes and a grin to match.

"Surprised ya, didn't I," she quips then leans back in and kisses me again, vigorously this time. I can't breathe, but that doesn't really matter as I return the kiss, trying to match her passion, mashing our lips together. This can't be real, but it is. I don't even need to pinch myself. Cinnamon flavored heaven. I need to ask her where she found cinnamon flavored lip gloss. As the tip of her tongue darts out and licks between my lips, I moan into our kiss. My heart thunders against my chest. Willow's kissing me and she started the kiss! I shoot the tip of my tongue between my lips to spar with hers.

No place I'd rather be. Here, with her, it's all perfect. All the politics and secrecy back at the temple are momentarily forgotten. I reach up to touch her face, caress her cheek with the tips of my index and middle finger. Overcome emotionally, I try to pour what I'm feeling into the kiss. Let her feel my love, my desperation, my fears. All of it. She returns an equal amount of love, desperation and fear. And we both know it'll be ok.

We kiss for several minutes before we finally pull apart, each of us wearing similar silly grins. Estatic? Happy? Both! I can't believe she kissed me. But she did and it really happened. And I don't even have to pinch myself because I can still feel the tingle her lips left behind.

She wipes away tears I didn't even know I cried from my cheeks with the pads of her thumbs. "Are you ok, Buffy?" she asks softly.

I nod and smile at her. "I'm great. I love you." There, I said it. Even after our kiss, I still feel like a weight's been lifted.

She grins at me. "I know. I think I can feel the same about you."

Well, not quite the declaration I was hoping for, but I'll take it.

We both stand up at the same time and hug each other tightly. Her chin resting on my shoulder, her moist breath tickles my neck.


End file.
